Couple's Quarrel in "Charlie All Night"

Four hours later, Charlie leaned into the mike and said, "Well, here we are again, all phones working. And for those of you who were wondering, the guy being hugged by the blonde on the front page of the paper is not me. That's my roommate, Joe, and the reason he looks so surprised is that he's gay. Yes, folks, somebody's up to something here in old Tuttle. I don't mind, but Joe would appreciate it if whoever it is would quit sending hookers over to our apartment with cameras. They're ruining his reputation."

"Oh, he'll love that," Allie said softly as she petted Sam, careful not to speak into the mike.

"And now, back by popular request, is my producer, the poster girl for irrationality, Alice McGuffey."

"Hey," Allie said. "Let's try this introduction again."

Charlie shook his head. "You are the person who stood in your office today and announced to me that men were the weaker sex, right?"

Allie snorted. "That's not irrational. That's the truth."

Charlie laughed. "I can beat you at arm wrestling anytime, honey."

Allie's voice dripped with sarcasm. "Life is not about arm wrestling."

"What's life got to do with this?"

"What I said in the office was that women are stronger because they talk to each other, and men are weaker and concentrate on sex and ignore other more important things, like establishing warm human relationships."

Charlie groaned. "Why do women always bring every discussion back to relationships?"

"Because relationships are the basis for life, you dweeb."

Charlie's voice sounded wary. "Tell me you're not talking about marriage."

"I'm not talking about marriage," Allie said reasonably. "I'm talking about establishing warm connections with other people. Men don't do it."

"Hey. I have a warm connection with another person." Charlie wiggled his eyebrows at her.

"That's sex." Allie wiggled her eyebrows back and stuck out her tongue."That's what men use as a substitute for relationships. But it's not the real thing."

"It feels real." Charlie scowled at her.

"Yeah, but can you keep the relationship going without it?"

Charlie looked at her, surprised. "My relationship with this woman is more than sex and she knows it."

"That's not the point." Allie leaned forward. "The point is that women can survive without all the physical stuff that men need because they know what's important is the human relationship. So they talk to each other. They don't get all the warmth in their lives from sex."

"Sex isn't important to you?" Charlie asked, disbelief heavy in his voice.

"Of course, it's important to me. But I wouldn't come unglued without it like you would."

"You wouldn't?" Charlie sat back. "Ha."

"No," Allie said primly. "As long as a woman is getting her emotional needs met by the ones she loves, she can handle sexual deprivation. But a man doesn't know how to get his emotional needs satisfied except through sex, so he'll get depressed and become irrational. Not that anyone would notice
since men are pretty irrational most of the time, anyway—"

Charlie interrupted her. "I don't believe this. Let me get this straight—you're saying that if we stop sleeping together, I'll crack before you will because I don't have any friends and you do?"

Allie froze in her chair.

"Well?"
"Sort of," she said faintly. "Although I certainly wouldn't have put it that way on the air."

"What? Oh." Charlie winced as he realized what he'd done. "Well, the cat's out, so you might as well finish what you've started here. I can't believe you'd make such a sexist argument."

"Well, there's only one way to find out who's right." Allie stuck her chin out, daring him. "Today's October second, and is you know we were fighting last night, so we can count from there. Let's see which one of us is the most irrational by November first."

"What?" Charlie said, startled.

"You said it would be no problem." Allie shrugged. "Put your money where your... mouth is."

"Allie, that isn't funny."

Allie smiled at him, triumphant. "I rest my case. I knew you wouldn't even try it."

"Did you?" Charlie leaned back. "All right. Fine. We're celibate until November first. No problem."

"Really?" Allie said.

"Really," Charlie said.

The phone began to ring.