Funny Excerpt from "Tap & Gown"

“What a madhouse,” said my mom. “We thought we'd never find seats here, but it turns out your friend had them saved for us.”

“My friend,” I repeated, still craning my neck over their shoulders. My mother has this habit of saying “your friend” in a tone of voice that manages to convey all of the following:

1. The individual to whom I refer is a person of the opposite sex,
2. Who clearly has carnal knowledge of my daughter,
3. But I'm not going to judge,
4. And I'm certainly not going to assume that their relationship is quantifiable by any pedestrian term such as “boyfriend” or “betrothed,”
5. Because who knows what passes for a romantic relationship in my daughter's mind,
6. A behavior of hers I wholly disapprove of, by the way (though as I stated, I'm not going to judge),
7. And while I'm on the subject, he'd better watch it. Just saying. Not judging.