Funny Excerpt From "The Heat is On"

"Just talked to your doctor—" Austin glanced at Bella, raised a brow, then silently sat on the other side of Jacob’s bed. "That her?"

"Who?"

"The woman you went out with, the one you dropped off the face of the planet for over the past few days."

Jacob felt the stupid smile cross his lips and couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

Funny Scene from "The Cinderella Deal"

“I should probably start back to the inn.” She looked at Evan and batted her eyes.

Here's your chance, old buddy, Linc thought, and nudged Evan.

Evan looked startled. “Oh?”

Linc closed his eyes and sighed. He liked Evan a lot, but sometimes—

“Is it dangerous to walk back to the inn alone?” Julia asked, still looking at Evan.

“Well—” Evan stopped, helpless.

Linc looked around for Daisy. This was obviously her kind of problem, getting two people together. Unfortunately, he couldn't find her. That bothered him. She was supposed to be there with him. He was going to have to find her and explain that to her, but first he had to take care of Julia and Evan.

“Yes, it's dangerous to walk back alone.” Linc stopped to think. Just getting Evan to walk Julia home wasn't going to do it; he was going to have to actually get her into his apartment for the night. “But it's more dangerous at the inn,” he said carefully. “You really shouldn't be staying there, Julia. The doors don't lock.”

Julia looked at him with hopeless contempt. Well, he deserved it, that last bit had been feeble. He had to do better, but the eggnog was fogging his brain. What would Daisy say?

“They have rats,” he said suddenly. “Big suckers. They've been known to carry off small children. You're small, Julia. An especially big rat might grab you. And there you'd be.” He stopped. Where would she be? “Rat snacks.”

“Rat snacks?” Julia looked incredulous.

Linc shook his head. “It would be terrible, just terrible.” He drank some more eggnog.

They were looking at him as if he were insane. He'd seen the look before when Daisy had gone into one of her narrative fits in front of strangers. “So,” he said, winding his story up in a hurry. “You really shouldn't be staying there. We'd let you stay here, but we don't have any room. So maybe you should stay somewhere else.” He looked at Evan, who was looking like a bemused codfish. Julia, on the other hand, had the look of a woman on whom light had dawned.

Linc kicked Evan smartly on the ankle. “Have you got any room at your place, Evan?”

“Ouch,” Evan said, and Julia said, “Would that be too much to ask, Evan, if I stayed with you?”

“What? Oh. No.” Evan took a deep breath. “Absolutely not. My pleasure.”

Linc sighed in relief and looked around to see if Daisy had come back.

Funny Scene from "Dogs and Goddesses"

"Sam, How many women did you sleep with last night?" He squinted for a moment, as if tinking. Or counting. "Oh, my god." Shar went back to damage control. "You can't use people; you can't make them serve you. It's ... immoral."

"But it's our world now," Sam said, looking perplexed again. "Kammani has been called to rule it and we are all called to help her."

Wonderful, Shar thought, Magic tonic and divine sex, that's how they're going to rule the world. She looked at Sam again and realized that it wasn't a completly bad idea.

Funny Scene from "Crazy for You"

“What's with the haircut?” Thea asked Quinn later that afternoon, and Quinn said, “Sometimes you have to do radical things to make people really see you and realize you're not who they thought you were.”

When Thea turned thoughtful, Quinn added, “Which does not mean you should cut your hair.”

Funny Scenes from "Wild Ride"

"I woke up funny.” Cindy said tightly.

"Funny how?" Mab said.

"Stuff has been happening."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Are you listening to me?" the woman demanded. She turned to the guy in the Coke-bottle glasses. "Stop eating that damn waffle and do something about that disease-carrying bird."

The man lifted his head from his ice cream and said, "The bird is fine." Then his glasses became round shiny eyes and his body began to elongate, looming over her, muscles rippling as his pin-striped suit turned to scales, his coattails shooting out to become a long, thick, lashing -

"Dragon," Mab said, fascinated.

- tail spiked with green trilby hats, just as he opened his mouth, filled with rows of serrated teeth.

"You, on the other hand, are a pain in the ass," the dragon said calmly.

The woman froze, staring at him, and then toppled off her stool onto the tile floor, out cold.

"I can't stop doing that," Cindy whispered to Mab.

"Uh-huh," Mab said, still staring at the dragon, the muscles moving under its beautiful scales, the grace in the way it turned its head on its long strong neck to look at her, the heat in its sharp gray eyes.

Then it disappeared and the guy with the glasses was back. He looked away from Mab and down at the
woman. "Now what's wrong?" he said to her unconscious body.

Funny Scene from "Can You Keep a Secret?"

'You want some free career advice, Jack?' says Kerry, munching a piece of chicken.

My heart gives a nervous flip. Please, please don't try to get Jack to do the successful woman walk.

'Now, you want to listen to Kerry,' puts in Dad proudly. 'She's our star! She has her own company.'

'Is that so?' says Jack politely.

'My own travel agency,' says Kerry with a complacent smile. 'Started from scratch. Now we have forty staff and a turnover of just over two million. And you know what my secret is?'

'I ... have no idea,' says Jack.

Kerry leans forward and fixes him with her blue eyes. 'Golf.'

'Golf!' echoes Jack.

'Business is all about networking,' says Kerry. 'It's all about contacts. I'm telling you, Jack, I've met most of the top businesspeople in the country on the golf course. Take any company. Take this company.'

She spreads her arm around the scene. 'I know the top guy here. I could call him up tomorrow if I wanted to.'

I stare at her, frozen in horror.

'Really?' says Jack, sounding riveted. 'Is that so?'

'Oh yes.' She leans forward confidentially. 'And I mean, the top guy.'

'The top guy,' echoes Jack. 'I'm impressed.'

'Perhaps Kerry could put in a good word for you, Jack!' exclaims Mum in sudden inspiration. 'You'd do that, wouldn't you, Kerry love?'

I would burst into hysterical laughter. If it wasn't so completely and utterly hideous.

'I guess I'll have to take up golf without delay,' says Jack. 'Meet the right people.' He raises his eyebrows at me. 'What do you think, Emma?'

I can barely talk. I am beyond embarrassment. I just want to disappear into the rug and never be seen again.

'Mr Harper?' A voice interrupts and I breathe in relief. We all look up to see Cyril bending awkwardly down to Jack.

'I'm extremely sorry to interrupt, sir,' he says, glancing puzzledly around at my family as though trying to discern any reason at all why Jack Harper might be having a picnic with us. 'But Malcolm St John is here and would like a very brief word.'

'Of course,' says Jack, and smiles politely at Mum. 'If you could just excuse me a moment.'

As he carefully balances his glass on his plate and gets to his feet, the whole family exchanges confused glances.

'Giving him a second chance, then!' calls out Dad jocularly to Cyril.

'I'm sorry?' says Cyril, taking a couple of steps towards us.

'That chap Jack,' says Dad, gesturing to Jack, who's talking to a guy dressed in a navy blazer. 'You're thinking of taking him on again, are you?'

Cyril looks stiffly from Dad to me and back again.
'It's OK, Cyril!' I call lightly. 'Dad, shut up, OK?' I mutter. 'He owns the company.'

'What?' Everyone stares at me.

'He owns the company,' I say, my face hot. 'So just ... don't make any jokes about him.'

'The man in the jester's suit owns the company?' says Mum, looking in surprise at Cyril.
'
No! Jack does! Or at least, some great big chunk of it.' They're all still looking completely blank. 'Jack's one of the founders of the Panther Corporation!' I hiss in frustration. 'He was just trying to be modest.'

'Are you saying that guy is Jack Harper?' says Nev in disbelief.

'Yes!'

There's a flabbergasted silence. As I look around, I see that a piece of chicken drumstick has fallen out of Kerry's mouth.

Funny Excerpt from "Saving Juliet"

"I said, no leeches!"

Lamplight tumbled from an open door at the top of the stairs. I wanted to rush in but Benvolio held me back. "Is that your acquaintance?" he whispered, his breath tickling my neck like velvet fingers. I peered around his shoulder. Troy lay on a cot, inside the room. I felt overjoyed at seeing him. Even though I had spent the last few months avoiding him and trying to convince myself that I hated him, I wanted to run up and throw my arms around his tanned neck. I wasn't alone after all, in this strange place and time. But Benvolio wouldn't let me pass. "Wait," he whispered. "We should not interrupt the friar's work."

Friar Laurence stood over Troy, holding a bowl and a pair of tweezers. His silver cross reflected light onto Troy's face. "I must apply these to the wound again," the friar said calmly and steadily, as if speaking to
a child. "They must be applied at regular intervals."

Troy raised his head from a grungy pillow. "No way. You touch me again and I'll sue!"

"My son, there is no reason to be distraught. The leeches will cleanse your wound." The friar scratched one of his enormous ears with the tweezers. I once read that human ears continue to grow throughout life. The friar's were in overdrive.

"Distraught?" Troy's arm lashed out at the bowl. "I'm pissed. You hear me? Totally pissed! Get those leeches away from me."

The friar was not easily bullied. "I have taken an oath to God to heal the sick. God, in His wisdom, has placed you in my care."

"My insurance doesn't cover freaky friars or leeches." Troy sat up and swung his legs over the cot. A strip of cloth was wrapped around his gray tights, just above his left knee. A dark red stain had spread across the strip. "When my agent finds out you've kept me here, instead of taking me to a hospital, he'll cram a lawsuit up your butt so fast you'll be the one who's ... distraught."

The friar shook his head. "My son, your anger blinds you." He placed the bowl of leeches on a bedside table. "But you have the freedom to choose your own method of healing. If you do not want the leeches, then I shall put them aside." He took a long drink from a blue jug.

"Great! Just get them away from me." Troy rubbed the side of his head. "How'd I get here? What idiot brought me here?" I took a step back, hiding in the hallway's darkness. I was the idiot. They had been my ashes, after all.

"He seems dangerous," Romeo whispered.

"I agree," Benvolio whispered back, adjusting his sword. "Remain here, Mimi, while I speak to him." Benvolio and Romeo entered the room. "I see that you have awoken."

Troy struggled to his feet, keeping his weight on his good leg. Seeing them face to face, I realized that Troy and Benvolio were polar opposites. Benvolio, the winter warrior, dark as night, calm as the morning sea. Troy, the summer prince, golden as the sun, temperamental as the California surf. They glared distrustingly at each other.

"Who are you?" Troy asked.

"I am Benvolio Montague. This is Romeo Montague, my young cousin."

Troy grimaced. "Are you guys some kind of Shakespeare fanatics, like those Star Trek freaks who walk around dressed like Klingons? Is this one of those Renaissance fairs?"

"This is the man I told you about," the friar explained, indicating Benvolio. "He found you injured and brought you here."

"Oh yeah? Why didn't you take me to a hospital? What's up with those costumes?"

"I brought you here because you are a fellow Montague," Benvolio explained, placing his hands on his slender hips. "And you had been stabbed by a Capulet guard. Had I left you in the square, he would have returned and made mincemeat of you."

Romeo bowed to Troy then leaned against the wall and sighed. Troy snorted. "Capulet guard? Fellow Montague? What is this, Candid Camera or something? Am I being punk'd?" Then he groaned and fell back onto the cot. "My leg is killing me." He winced as he untied the bandage.

"You were stabbed, my son," Friar Laurence explained.

I leaned forward to see what Troy was gawking at. His wound ran from his knee to his upper thigh. Black stitches crisscrossed it like something from Frankenstein. Locks of blond hair fell over Troy's
burning eyes. "What have you done to me? I'm supposed to be shooting a beach video tomorrow. I can't wear shorts looking like this. And what's with this bandage?" He waved it. "It looks like an old dish towel. I'll probably get gangrene." Then his face went slack. "What do you want with me?"

"Want with you?" the friar asked.

Romeo slunk to the windowsill and peered into the darkness. "Woe is me," he moaned.

"My child," Friar called softly. "What ails you?"

"He's lovesick," Benvolio explained, helping himself to the blue jug. "He has given me a headache with all his moaning about Rosaline. I'd wager he has given Mimi a headache as well."

"Mimi?" Troy dropped the bandage. I took a deep breath and stepped into the room. "Mimi? What happened to you? What's that white stuff all over your face?" Troy didn't wait for my reply. He turned and pointed a finger at
Benvolio. "What's she doing here? You've got no right bringing her here. Look, my label will pay whatever ransom you want--just let her go."

He thought we had been kidnapped. "Uh, Troy ... ," I said.

He hobbled forward, grimacing with each step, and roughly took my arm. "Don't say a word, Mimi," he whispered. "These guys are nutjobs. Look at them. They're dressed like Renaissance fair nerds and that guy pretending to be the friar says it's 1594. They stabbed me in the leg. There's no telling what else they're capable of, so let me handle this." He was using that parental voice I knew so well. Fine. Go ahead and make a fool of yourself. My feet were killing me anyway. I sat down on a stool and took off the wooden shoes. "How much do you want?" Troy repeated.

"While I do not understand your question, I do understand your tone, sir, and I find it insulting." Benvolio wrapped his fingers, slowly and menacingly, around his sword's hilt. Romeo pressed his face against the window's glass, still staring into the darkness.

Troy raised his hands in a motion of surrender. "Okay, okay, let me try that again. What do you want from me?"

"Gratitude would be appropriate, for saving your life."

"Saving my life? Oh, from the Capulet guard. Right." Sarcasm oozed from Troy's mouth. "Sure, thanks a lot."

"Troy, we need to talk," I said. If I could get him alone for a few minutes, I could explain everything. "I know what's going on."

He waved to me to be quiet, as if I were annoying background noise. "Look, whatever your name is ..."

"Benvolio Montague."

"Right. Look, Benvolio, why don't we go outside and get a taxi? My label has a New York office. We can go there and get you a money order or something." He smiled, thinking himself clever. "Come on, what do you say?"

Benvolio raised an eyebrow. "I am beginning to believe that you are insane." He sat on the windowsill next to Romeo, his long leg swaying like a metronome. Romeo whispered Rosaline's name.

I walked barefoot across the plank floor and stood in front of Troy, my back to the others."Remember how I grabbed my necklace from you and then I opened the door and those ashes flew all over the place?" I spoke as quietly as I could. "Remember when I said I might go somewhere and you said that maybe I should go to Verona?" Troy frowned. "Well, that's exactly what happened. They haven't kidnapped us. My Shakespearean charm brought us here. It's magic."

"Oh, that's very interesting," the friar whispered, having stuck his overgrown ears where they didn't belong. "A charm? Pray tell, did I meet you in the square early this morning?"

"Yes," I told him.

"What are you talking about?" Troy demanded. "What do you mean you met him? I don't remember any ashes."

"You don't remember the ashes? How can you not remember the ashes? We choked on them."

"I am afraid that is a side effect of the herbal tea I fed you," the friar explained, squeezing his rotund self between us. "The tea deadened your pain and put you to sleep so I could perform surgery on your
thigh. Your memory will be foggy for a short while, but it will return."

"You drugged me?" Troy's eyes widened. "DRUGGED ME?"

"Excuse us," I said to the friar, pushing a crazed Troy into the corner. "Listen to me."

He wasn't ready to listen. "That guy's a madman. A sadistic butcher. Did you see my leg? I've got to get to a hospital." He turned and faced our captors. "Look, just name your price and let us go."

"There is no price, my son. Go, if that is your wish." Friar Laurence tilted his head toward the open door, then took another drink from his blue jug.

Troy raised his eyebrows. Then he grabbed my hand and started hobbling as fast as he could, which wasn't very fast.

"Wait," I said. "You don't understand. They're not holding us for ransom."           

Funny Excerpt from "Miss Congeniality" by Shelly Laurenston from the "When He Was Bad" anthologies

“I bet you're not really cold, doc. Not underneath it all.”

“Actually, I am. Oh. And Jackie and I have a bet going.” She motioned to her roommate, Jaqueline Jean-Louis, a former child music prodigy. The two women had known each other for years and Jean-Louis taught in the university's prestigious music department. What Van found fascinating about the whole relationship was the fact that Jean-Louis was a shifter. A jackal, specifically. He always wondered if Irene knew. If she did, she absolutely never showed it. But it wouldn't be unusual for her not to know. Many shifters went through their entire lives successfully hiding who they really were from the full-humans close to them. It was important to their kind to hide who they were. In fact, hard choices were sometimes made in order to keep their secret.

“Is that right?” he asked, taking a glass of champagne from the tray passing by.

“Yes. I'm convinced you believe I'm a virgin and all this time you've been hoping to defile me.”

No matter what he did, he couldn't keep from choking that champagne right back up.

She simply didn't understand. For nearly seven years now, the man had sought her out. At every charity event. Every university function. Anything she had to go to in order to fulfill her responsibilities to the university, Niles Van Holtz was there. He wouldn't pounce right away. He'd wait until she'd finally entertained the thought that he'd decided not to attend and then boom . He'd be there. Usually easing up behind her and asking her something rather inappropriate in her ear. You could almost say she'd come to expect it.

Irene looked up into Van Holtz's handsome face. And he was handsome. Gorgeous, in fact, if you followed the normal societal standards. Dark brown hair that had streaks of white, black, and gray nearly covered those oddly colored eyes of his. Kind of a gold amber or something. She wasn't really a color person; she left those sorts of decisions to Jackie. Even now the gown Irene wore—a pale silver...thing—her friend had picked out for her.

Van Holtz also had a rather square jaw and a nose she bet once had a deviated septum, based on the way it went crooked right below his brows, and a rather abnormally large neck. Yes, a very handsome man. And, perhaps, one of the most arrogant beings she'd ever come across. Truly, if she had any emotional investment in this man, she'd be forced to have him wiped from the planet. But Irene had very little emotional investment in anyone. Jackie and Jackie's boyfriend, Paul, pretty much covered her emotional investment. And she was quite okay with that. More than okay.

Van Holtz cleared his throat. “Um...and why do you think it would matter to me if you're a virgin?”

Irene shrugged. “You have that demeanor. I imagine you probably like it when the virgin tells you, 'Ow! You're too big. Please, we have to stop!' And you say”—she lowered her voice several octaves to match Van Holtz's—“'Don't worry. I'll make it good for you, sweet little virgin girl.'”

Van Holtz stared at her for at least a full minute and Irene began to wonder where Jackie had wandered off to. She brought the woman with her to stop Irene from doing things like this. Saying something that would cause huge repercussions financially. The Van Holtz family gave the university a lot of money and with a stupid attempt at honesty, Irene may have caused that money supply to dry up.

But then Van Holtz threw his head back and laughed, shocking Irene and causing everyone in the room
to turn around and stare at them. Not surprisingly, Jackie suddenly appeared at her side

Funny Excerpt from "Christmas Pride" by Shelly Laurenston from "The Mane Event, Pride book 1"

“Does she now?” Dez turned to Mace. Boy, did she look annoyed. “You haven't changed one bit, Llewellyn.”

He leaned back, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “I never said I had.”

“But you did lie to me?”

“No. Missy really doesn't want me to come to her banquet. I simply don't give a shit.”

“And if that happens to play on my sympathies, you conniving bastard?”

“I know what I want, Dez. You know how I am about that. Remember the Ring Dings?”

She pushed her hands through her hair. He kept frustrating her.Good . “We arenot discussing the Ring Dings, Mace. Christ, we are too old for this.I'm too old for this.”

“So, say you'll come out to dinner with me and then I'll stop.”

“No.”

“I refuse to hear that.”

She turned to Smitty. “You tell him, Smitty. Tell him I said 'no'.”

Smitty gazed at her. “You sure have some pretty eyes, darlin'.”

Dez looked startled, then she beamed. “You are as bad as he is.”

Mace realized in that second the two of them were having a “moment.”Well, that's not acceptable .

“Jesus, Dez. What's that?”

Dez, following where Mace pointed, turned to look behind her. While he had her temporarily distracted, he took his other hand, wrapped it around the back of Smitty's neck, and slammed the man's head into Dez's desk.

When she snapped back around, Mace watched her innocently, Smitty gripped his forehead, and Dez's partner began to hysterically laugh.

“What did you do?”

Mace blinked. “Nothing.”

Funny Excerpt from "Tap & Gown"

“What a madhouse,” said my mom. “We thought we'd never find seats here, but it turns out your friend had them saved for us.”

“My friend,” I repeated, still craning my neck over their shoulders. My mother has this habit of saying “your friend” in a tone of voice that manages to convey all of the following:

1. The individual to whom I refer is a person of the opposite sex,
2. Who clearly has carnal knowledge of my daughter,
3. But I'm not going to judge,
4. And I'm certainly not going to assume that their relationship is quantifiable by any pedestrian term such as “boyfriend” or “betrothed,”
5. Because who knows what passes for a romantic relationship in my daughter's mind,
6. A behavior of hers I wholly disapprove of, by the way (though as I stated, I'm not going to judge),
7. And while I'm on the subject, he'd better watch it. Just saying. Not judging.